A Father’s Guide to Halloween Candy

My daughter and I are going trick-or-treating this evening. It’s only her second time going door-to-door plundering in costume. Last year, she didn’t quite get it and mistook Halloween candy for toys. This year, I’ve put together a handy guide to explain the ins and outs of what will fill her loot bag.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups – A beautiful combination of peanut butter and chocolate. Hand over to Dad.

Apples – Really? Apples?! Who’s giving out apples?!

Candy Apples – Not worth the lost fillings.

Candy Corn – Neither candy nor corn. Place immediately in garbage.

M&Ms – The American version of Smarties with melts-in-your-mouth-not-in-your-hand technology.

Canadian Smarties – Separate by colour. Eat the red ones last.

Rockets/American Smarties – Like Tums only tastier.

Sour Patch Kids – Let me get the camera ready before you eat this.

Tootsie Rolls – What candy used to taste like before they invented flavour.

Twizzlers – Licorice in the vaguest sense of the word. Enjoy after you donate a piece to your Mom.

Miniature Toothbrushes – This is why toilet paper always goes on sale around Halloween.

Chips – A salty reprieve from all these sweets. Only one fully intact chip per bag, the rest are crumbs.

Three Musketeers – One for all. All for me.

Skittles – Ooh, the bright colours!

Kit Kat – Daddy always needs a break. Please hand over.

Caramels – Nothing special. Feel free to pick them out of your tiny teeth for the next two days.

Hershey’s Kisses – These will be the last candy in your loot bag. No one wants to eat them.

Candy Bracelets – Any candy that is designed to mimic jewelry is not worthy eating.

Spooky Candy – Any candy that is designed to be “spooky for Halloween” probably tastes like another six-letter word that starts with S and ends in Y.

Hopefully this will help my daughter understand the complex world of Halloween candy. If there’s still any confusion regarding a candy, she should follow this simple rule – Give it to your Dad.